Have you noticed how, especially in old money circles, some people seem to manage to secure invitations to the best guest houses -in the Hamptons, for example, summer after summer?
Want to know how they do it?
It’s psychology, a social skills hack, if you will, and you can do it too. Here’s how.
The first trick is the high-status parasite method. Old money people and people who wish they were old money value a guest who makes them look good aesthetically, socially, and intellectually.
So either be decorative, make their house look better, or connect them to the right people. Or hint that you might. It’s important to show that you’ve got other options.
Say something like: “Gwyneth keeps begging me to stay with her.”
This triggers what psychologists call social proof. If high status others want you around, you are valuable.
Second trick, the scarcity effect. People want what they can’t have. Just look at the Hermes Birkin. There is no other explanation. You must appear just elusive enough.
Say: “August? Not sure, I might be in Sardinia.”
Third psychological hack, the power of strategic incompetence. Yes, old Money loves competence on the tennis court, or on a sailboat. But they also love a guest who makes them feel more competent.
Can you technically make your own iced coffee?
Of course. But a well timed “yours are so much better than mine. How do you do it? Show me.” Demonstrates to your hosts their superior skills, hence deepening their affection for you.
Next, utilize nostalgia. You make your host feel like your presence is part of their summer tradition. Subtly weave in a phrase like, “you know, it’s not summer until we have one of your famous lobster rolls.”
Now, you secure next year’s invite. You mention something that makes it seem like of course you’re coming next year. Frame it as something that’s for them.
Say: “We never got to play doubles with Anderson. Promise we’ll do it next year.”
Finally, when thanking your hosts, you don’t go overly effusive. Don’t let them think they did you a favor. Keep it casual, but personal. “Thanks so much, had a blast of course. Marbella is full of the usual suspects- missing our early morning yoga at Donna’s. Anderson says hi,” accompanied by a small but meaningful gift (that paperback copy of Service Entrance you mentioned they absolutely *must* read).
Anyway darling, I hope this helped. If you need a bit more detail on this, you know where to find it, of course: on the Awkward Etiquette: Old Money & New Manners podcast hosted by me, Kiki Astor.