People don’t always mean to be rude—but nosy questions happen.
I’ve been asked how to respond politely to questions on intimate matters like fertility or relationships.
In terms of strict etiquette? An inappropriate question does not require an answer. You can simply deflect.
But in my opinion, these sorts of questions are the conversational equivalent of leaving the bathroom door open—so I say give them something they can’t look away from.
For those of you who don’t know me, I’m your Auntie Kiki—Kiki Astor. Old money and etiquette expert, but as a romance author, I have a cheeky side and teach you the social skills hacks they would never cover in finishing school.
Let’s talk psychology. Why do otherwise polite people ask really rude, intrusive questions?
Because if you’re following the same script they did—marriage, baby, other baby—they assume they must have done it “right.” They’re looking for validation.
Sometimes they’re thinking: Children are awful—let’s make sure everyone else has them so they can suffer as much as I did.
But I digress.
Here are responses that will make them wish they had never asked:
They ask: “When are you two having children?”
You say: “We’re not. Not since the accident.”
They ask: “You’re only having one?”
You say: “Oh no, there were more… but we don’t discuss the twins. Not after what happened in Carre.”
They ask: “Is it your first marriage?”
You say: “First legal one, yes. The others were spiritual ceremonies—except for the one in Montenegro. That one might be legally binding. And I was briefly consecrated, so technically I am a bride of Jesus.”
They ask: “How old were you when you had her? Was it a high-risk pregnancy?”
You say: “The doctors say one thing, the astrologers another. I wouldn’t know—I was heavily sedated the whole time.”
They ask: “Was it a natural birth?”
You say: “Completely. Moonlight. Goat milk. Blood sacrifice. Midsummer fire. Very traditional.”
They ask: “You are going to breastfeed, right?”
You say: “My mother won’t let me. And it feels strange doing it with a stranger.”
Anyway, darling—I hope this helped.