There is a gentleman on TikTok (well not really a gentleman) who unfortunately disabled the duet and stitch capability on his video, because I have so many things to say about it, and I would have preferred to make it a conversation, but here we are. So please feel free to make me feel better by letting me know what you think, darling.



This gentleman (ahem…) in in the habit of doling out so called etiquette advice to his adoring (?) viewers, and in one particular video, he is giving us ideas for charming (?) toasts.

I thought I might go through some of his more problematic suggestions of toasts, and use this opportunity to talk about the etiquette of toasting, to encourage you to raise a glass- with class.

Here are this fellow’s suggestions, lest you think I am being a bit hard on him”

“To staying positive and testing negative.” Yes. Talking about STDs is a fantastic way to look charming in society.

“Here’s to those that have seen us at our best and at our worst and can’t tell the difference.” So, either your friends are not very discerning or you’re super boring.

“Here’s to the storks that bring good babies, the crows that bring bad babies, and the swallows that bring no babies at all.” Can we not discuss fellatio at dinner?

This one attributed to Groucho Marx. drives me bonkers: “To our wives and girlfriends, may they never meet.” Oh yes, let’s raise a glass to all the two-timing cheaters in the room.

This one, I don’t know why it gives me the ick quite so much. I think it’s stuck somewhere in the 1950s: “May our sons have rich fathers and beautiful mothers.”


Here’s the thing that too many people don’t realize, darling: toasts don’t need to be funny. They need to honor a person or an occasion.

If you are using humor, make sure it’s funny and not insulting. A toast is not a roast. Know your audience. If you’re going to make it to risqué, tread lightly. Try not to make it all about yourself. Though something like: “Wise, kind, generous, smart. Damn sexy, but enough about me- we’re here to toast you, darling,” can be a way to get attention before starting in with the actual toast.


Now ,let’s talk toasting etiquette. Do not hit the glass with the knife to get people’s attention. I prefer raising glasses to clinking them. Some fine crystal’s incredibly delicate, and you don’t want to find out the hard way. Now, if you’re being toasted, clinking glasses with others to toast to yourself is considered a bit arrogant, so simply raise a glass to the person making the toast, and then perhaps toast them back in return.


P.S. I detest it when people say, Oh, I can’t lift my glass, it’s empty, or it’s water, it’s bad luck. Stop making this about you. Cheers, darling.

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